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Mac in the Back
Mac in the Back is a DJ at WARK FM. He's called Mac-in-the-Back because he was once stuck in a maintenance closet in the back of the studio. Stuck in the Closet From January to May, 2006, Mac was trapped in the maintenance closet in the back of the WARK FM Studio. After two straight days of intermittently screaming for help and crying in a fetal position, Mac befriended a rat named Mr. Beepers. Mr. Beepers and Mac did everything together - slept, stared at the wall, slept more, did yoga. They were like peas and carrots... except they were a guy and a rat. After the twelfth day or so, Mac started to lose it. A small sink had provided him with a constant supply of fresh drinking water, but he had not had food since he inadvertently slid the Snickers bar he had under the door, and out of reach. Hunger began to drive Mac mad. He tried eating a mop head. He then threw up. He tried licking some sort of fungus off the wall. He then threw up. He thought about Condaleeza Rice giving him a lap dance. He then threw up, hyperventilated and passed out. When Mac awoke, he searched the closet for Mr. Beepers. He couldn't find him anywhere. He did find a lighter and a small makeshift spit. Reality came crashing in. To Mac's dismay, he had eaten Mr. Beepers. More crying in a fetal position ensued. On day 17, Mac discovered a crate full of saltine crackers. Overjoyed at his new-found luck concerning salted unleavened carbohydrates, Mac gorged himself for hours. After he finished eating, he set himself to fixing some of the broken broadcasting equipment in the closet. A week later, he was broadcasting, trying to contact anyone in the outside world who could get him out of his dark, dank and lemon fresh-smelling prison. It would appear at this point it was only noticed that Mac was dutifully filling his time slot, so no one actually noticed that he was missing. On Day 36, Mac discovered a fermented liquid in an old-fashioned glass jug. He had no idea what it was, but it was definitely intoxicating. Mac drank himself retarded, threw up, and passed out. When he came to, he saw, to his dismay, that he had peed in his crate of crackers. Shocked, appalled, yet still somehow apathetic toward the situation in Rwanda, Mac cursed his fate and that of his pee-pee crackers. After a long, frustrated tirade involving shouting, jumping, stomping and heavy criticism of curling (that is sooo not a sport) Mac weeped. And then the hallucinations set in. He saw a blonde girl he liked in the sixth grade named Kerri Reynolds. She was dead, with a bullet hole oozing blood from her forehead. "Oh my god!" exclaimed Mac, "Are you here to frighten me or kill me or possess me or something equally bad and / or detrimental to my general health or mental well-being?" Kerri Reynolds cocked an eyebrow. "No. I'm here to tell you you're such a loser. I'm glad I told you no I wouldn't go to the dance with you. I went with Tommy Fenello. He's rad. And you smell like pee." Mac's brow furrowed. "Hey," he said, "since this is my hallucination, shouldn't what I want to occur happen?" The blonde girl's head bobbed up and down, blood sloshing onto the floor, and Mac. Mac didn't care. If this didn't work out, there was always that gunshot wound to think about. Rescue Prof needed a mop. He opened the door to the maintenance closet at the back of the studio. He was shocked to find Fred "The Ogre" Palowakski sprawled unconscious on the floor, pants around his ankles, amidst an assortment of animal bones, yellowed crackers, and radio equipment. Prof grabbed the mop, and began to vigorously poke Mac with it. And so was Mac's stay in the closet over. Re-disappearance On May 28, 2008, Mac in the Back failed to report into work for his scheduled shift. No one has bothered to look for him very hard and figure he'll turn up eventually.